Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
