the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.