Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
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