I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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