Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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