At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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