Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
