I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
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Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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