all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
