Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
