I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
