I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
