I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We need a shit load of segways right now
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
