U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
