They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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