can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
