Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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