I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Randomize
