Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
