My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
