yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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