i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
