My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
