he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
