I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
