Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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