she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
