My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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