This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
