Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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