I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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