I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I need moral support for this bender
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
