drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
