I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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