It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
