That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
