I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
