i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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