Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
