he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
