you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
