Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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