I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I forgot how hot balto sounded
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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