If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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