I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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