Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
