If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
