she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
