I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
