just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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