he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
