Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
