my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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