Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
