I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
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2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
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You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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