chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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